Monday, March 19, 2012
Jamal: day 5
When we left off Mr. Malone and I were just recovering from a brutal, emotional battle with chipmunks, ripping leather and that squitten thingy we found a while back. I don’t wanna get into the details because we have to hurry and find the Bronze cloud of eternal life. I seriously want to get out of here. When we were near the cave these albino chipmunks popped out of the ground and the squitten started slurping them up like mashed potatoes through a straw, it was so funny. When they were all eaten the squitten ran off into the abyss of the cave and was never seen again “I am gonna miss that guy, but did you see that!?! It was AWESOME!!!” I yelled over to Mr. Malone (finally got his name right) “Did I? Did I!? yes I did and nearly had a heart attack! we need to get this cloud item and leave!” he yelled. He sucks. I needed to get him to shut up and using my knowledge of the gossip girls I started to cry. This thing seriously rocks! I see why girls cry all the time, you get whatever you want when you do! After 5 five minute ‘recovery’ time that was requested my Mr. Malone, he tried to get me to go into the cave to get the silver pineapple. He apparently has this phobia of caves and a story that is remarkably close to batman’s story. But as I walked out of the cave pineapple in hand he smiled. So that old crotchety dude has a heart? weird, it kinda gives me the chills to know that someones hear can beat for tttthhhhaaaattt long.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Mr. Malone- Day 5
Oh how I wished I were back in the Queen’s Tea Parlor, sipping a chamomile tea, and sharing our opinions on the current state of Global Economy. But, no. Apparently I had done something wrong to deserve the punishment of spending my last few days with Jamal, facing a vicious cult of angry albino chipmunks. Well, I was strongly condsidering knocking myself out with a nearby rock so I wouldn’t have to suffer the last few moments of my life, but I knew I had to hold on for Bessie’s sake. While pondering whether to run or to hide, Jamal started to yell,
“Whoa! The bag! It’s-”
“Jamal. I know that my golf bag is made of the rarest leather found anywhere in the northern hemisphere! There is no need to waffle about it while we are surrounded by a clan of vicious cat... things.”
“SHUT UP! I MEAN IT’S STARTING TO SHAKE... AND EXPAND!”
“Oh sweet Heavens! That leather mustn't be stretched!”
Before I could save my trusty golf bag, it exploded. I felt the last full piece of it’s leather brush my cheek as it whipped by. Cheerio, mahogany colored beauty. Cheerio indeed. While mourning the loss of yet another of my most prized possessions, I had failed to notice that the creature Jamal had stuffed into my bag had burst out (I’ll get that rotten thing!) and had evolved into 5 times it’s normal size and was making a very unpleasant screeching noise. Ha! As if he’d ever find a mate! Soon the animal was lunging towards the chipmunks, snatching them up by the heads, and swallowing them whole (now where is the class in that?). Minutes later, Jamal, the Squitten and I were standing at the mouth of an empty cave.
“That.....was AWESOME! EPIC, EPIC, EPIC, EPIC!”
“Jamal! Do settle down, now! Are you off your trolley? Do you consider what we just saw ‘normal’?! Well, I for one think this ‘world’ we are in is ABSOLUTE TOSH and desire to get out as swiftly as possible! Stop acting like this is some sort of game! Because this is not the chess tournament at Buckingham- IT’S REAL!"
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Jamal’s tears started flowing like Niagra, and I knew that I’d penetrated to his soul. Never did I believe I would ever see Jamal cry, but I did. And I felt terrible. I put my old hand on this broken-hearted young thing and said,
“I’m truly sorry, Jamal. I’m not mad at you, it’s- I’ve just lost so much today-- first William and Jude, then my golf bag...I’m obviously just not cut out for this type of adventure and you were the only one I could vent to... and OH I’M SO SORRY JAMAL!”
And with that, I started bawling, too. Jamal wiped his nose on my sweater vest after hugging me and sniffled
“Do ya really mean all that?” After I nodded, he added “ Aw shucks, Mr. Jerome, I didn’t even know you had a heart!”
Not sensing my irritated posture, he squeeze-hugged me again. Pulling out of his sweaty grasp, I said
“Well, I think it’s time we chivvy along. I’ve still got my golf tournament at four and I plan on being prepared, polished, and prompt- my three P’s!”
Predicting that Jamal was about to burst out laughing, I sent him into the cave to fetch the silver pineapple. Complaining because he didn’t understand my phobia of caves, he reluctantly went into the cave, emerging less than five minutes later, holding a large, silver pineapple.
“That was quick,” I noted.
“ Well it’s a lot easier to complete a task without some old Scottish guy all up in your grill about everything”
I gritted my teeth. I was extremely offended that he called me Scottish. I was clearly British. But, wanting leave the whole crying episode behind us, I simply said
“Well let’s just keep our peckers up and we’ll be home in no time!”
“EXCUSE ME?!”
I sighed.”Stay positive.”
“Oh.”
And with one more glance at the map but not another word, we were on our way to find the final ingredient to getting home- the Bronze Cloud of Eternal Life.
“Whoa! The bag! It’s-”
“Jamal. I know that my golf bag is made of the rarest leather found anywhere in the northern hemisphere! There is no need to waffle about it while we are surrounded by a clan of vicious cat... things.”
“SHUT UP! I MEAN IT’S STARTING TO SHAKE... AND EXPAND!”
“Oh sweet Heavens! That leather mustn't be stretched!”
Before I could save my trusty golf bag, it exploded. I felt the last full piece of it’s leather brush my cheek as it whipped by. Cheerio, mahogany colored beauty. Cheerio indeed. While mourning the loss of yet another of my most prized possessions, I had failed to notice that the creature Jamal had stuffed into my bag had burst out (I’ll get that rotten thing!) and had evolved into 5 times it’s normal size and was making a very unpleasant screeching noise. Ha! As if he’d ever find a mate! Soon the animal was lunging towards the chipmunks, snatching them up by the heads, and swallowing them whole (now where is the class in that?). Minutes later, Jamal, the Squitten and I were standing at the mouth of an empty cave.
“That.....was AWESOME! EPIC, EPIC, EPIC, EPIC!”
“Jamal! Do settle down, now! Are you off your trolley? Do you consider what we just saw ‘normal’?! Well, I for one think this ‘world’ we are in is ABSOLUTE TOSH and desire to get out as swiftly as possible! Stop acting like this is some sort of game! Because this is not the chess tournament at Buckingham- IT’S REAL!"
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Jamal’s tears started flowing like Niagra, and I knew that I’d penetrated to his soul. Never did I believe I would ever see Jamal cry, but I did. And I felt terrible. I put my old hand on this broken-hearted young thing and said,
“I’m truly sorry, Jamal. I’m not mad at you, it’s- I’ve just lost so much today-- first William and Jude, then my golf bag...I’m obviously just not cut out for this type of adventure and you were the only one I could vent to... and OH I’M SO SORRY JAMAL!”
And with that, I started bawling, too. Jamal wiped his nose on my sweater vest after hugging me and sniffled
“Do ya really mean all that?” After I nodded, he added “ Aw shucks, Mr. Jerome, I didn’t even know you had a heart!”
Not sensing my irritated posture, he squeeze-hugged me again. Pulling out of his sweaty grasp, I said
“Well, I think it’s time we chivvy along. I’ve still got my golf tournament at four and I plan on being prepared, polished, and prompt- my three P’s!”
Predicting that Jamal was about to burst out laughing, I sent him into the cave to fetch the silver pineapple. Complaining because he didn’t understand my phobia of caves, he reluctantly went into the cave, emerging less than five minutes later, holding a large, silver pineapple.
“That was quick,” I noted.
“ Well it’s a lot easier to complete a task without some old Scottish guy all up in your grill about everything”
I gritted my teeth. I was extremely offended that he called me Scottish. I was clearly British. But, wanting leave the whole crying episode behind us, I simply said
“Well let’s just keep our peckers up and we’ll be home in no time!”
“EXCUSE ME?!”
I sighed.”Stay positive.”
“Oh.”
And with one more glance at the map but not another word, we were on our way to find the final ingredient to getting home- the Bronze Cloud of Eternal Life.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Jamal day 4
I honestly, truly hate this place when we left off, the crazy toucan was having Mr.Malone teach him how to golf, one more thing to add to the list of reasons I hate this place. Anyway Mr.Malone has gained an overly expansive love, or more like an obsessive compulsive disorder over Bessie. Back to the story, after about a half an hour lesson on how to hold the club with your left hand I decided to take things into my own hands. “Its time to do this ghetto style” I yelled to Mr.Malone “No, No please, it there any other style you have a degree in that will be helpful at this time?” he asked “perhaps Newtons theory?”
“NO!” I yelled
Faster than light (almost) I grabbed the golf club and BANG!
that guy was out like a light! There was something shiny and round on the ground next to a piece of paper with words on it. I couldn’t tell what it was from here, but I knew the round thing was the fruit loop.”I found it” I yelled “no my dear, we found it” he said with the tone of accomplishment in his voice. “You are a waste of my time” I mumbled then walked away. I was headed towards the fruit loop then as I grabbed the ring an picked up the paper and tried to read it but Mr,Malone had to ruin my fun and read it him self “It says here that we need to take approximately 700 paces in the eastern direction... Easy as Crumpets” he belted out “you are a moron” I whispered to myself. “All we need now is a compass..... Aw phooey! We do not have a compass, now we will never get home!” he yelled “hey I have heard of a compass, it is an app on my phone, it really sucks though cause all you can do is turn the phone around and the red arrow spins” i said disappointed at the fact that I actually bought that app. He looked at me with the strangest expression “Um. dude to you have to.. ya know go?” I asked “I am as happy as the queen on vase polishing week, this jolly good, we are saved thanks to your the application on your “telly” phone!” he yelled, with the happiest smile. It almost seemed as though he was going to audition to be the Cheshire cat. He grabbed the phone and started to mess with it. When he finally found the app he yelled “Onward Ho!”
As we were walking we came across a weird cave and Mr.Malone asked “why did the counting stop?” you are a moron I think in my head “becasue that means that we have to go in the cave you...just...just please don’t talk to me PLEASE!” I yell.
I had decided that we were going to go into the cave and try and find that silver apple thing (honestly I don’t understand this place) “ I am not going to be going into that cave” said Mr. Malone hasitly. “Awww monsters aren’t real, here I will protect you” I said so sacrcastly that you would think I was serious. As I looked back into the dark cave I saw a cult of albino chipmunks rise out of the ground.
Oh My God
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Mr. Malone- Day 4
“So you see, just shift your wait, swing all the way through and there you have it!” I said, the most exited I’d been since we’d arrived at this crazy land that someone was interested in golf. I showed him my swing a few times and let him have a go. While he was swinging, Jamal pulled me aside and muttered perhaps the scariest thing I had ever heard, and not just because of the bad grammar.
“A’it, Mr. Shalome, time to do this ghetto style”
I stood there, stunned as Mr.Malone walked up behind Sam the Toucan mid-swing, easily pulled Bessie out of his hand-wings, and knocked Sam out cold. I ran over to Jamal as fast as my veteran chief executive legs could carry me, and took hold of my Bessie;
“BESSIE IS NOT A WEAPON! SHE HAS FEELINGS!”
“Do you want to get home, or not?”
“ All Sam wanted to do was learn to golf, something we should all learn.”
“Uh huh, let’s just go--hey! Look what fell out of this guy’s pocket-- the Golden Fruit Loop! And this paper thingy!”
:”That’s a map, genius. Hand it to me-- BUT CAREFULLY!” I said, as Jamal started folding it into a rather uneven paper airplane.”Alrighty it says here that to get to the Silver pineapple, we must go 700 paces eastward! Easy as Crumpets!” Then it dawned at me that my compass was in my fanny pack at home and my old heart dropped. When I informed Jamal, perhaps the strangest thing occurred.
“ I’ve heard of a compass before! I have that game on my phone! It’s really stupid though, cuz all you do is turn the phone and the arrow points...Mr. Malone do you have to go? Cuz your face is all twitchy.”
“We are saved! Long live the Queen!” So I snatched up the cellular telephone from Jamal’s hand,quickly handed it back and commanded him to bring up the compass ‘game”(it’s not my fault I don’t know how to work all of this modern-day technology nonsense). When he handed it back to me, I took one glance and pointed north.
“Onward Ho!”
Jamal, for some reason, could not stop laughing the entire way there, but I simply ignored him, as I did all poor people, and and trudged on. It seemed like forever, and Jamal kept messing up my counting, but we finally got there.
“...699, 700! Ah, here we are! Wait... this is a cave entrance.”
“I think we’re ‘spose to go in.” Oh, Jamal.
“I don’t know, cave exploration was never my cup of tea...” I told Jamal, wearily.
“ Aww, don’t be such a scaredypoo, monsters aren’t real. C’mon, let’s roll.”
As Jamal strolled nonchalantly into the cave, I had no choice but to follow.Just as I stepped foot into the cave, though, a scene from a horror movie happened. The ground started rumbling beneath me, so harshly, that I toppled over. I knew I my Life Alert necklace could no longer come to my assistance, so like a romance montage, I threw Bessie as far from danger as I possibly could--it hit Jamal.A vicious cult of albino chipmunks rose from the ground. I nearly wet myself.
“A’it, Mr. Shalome, time to do this ghetto style”
I stood there, stunned as Mr.Malone walked up behind Sam the Toucan mid-swing, easily pulled Bessie out of his hand-wings, and knocked Sam out cold. I ran over to Jamal as fast as my veteran chief executive legs could carry me, and took hold of my Bessie;
“BESSIE IS NOT A WEAPON! SHE HAS FEELINGS!”
“Do you want to get home, or not?”
“ All Sam wanted to do was learn to golf, something we should all learn.”
“Uh huh, let’s just go--hey! Look what fell out of this guy’s pocket-- the Golden Fruit Loop! And this paper thingy!”
:”That’s a map, genius. Hand it to me-- BUT CAREFULLY!” I said, as Jamal started folding it into a rather uneven paper airplane.”Alrighty it says here that to get to the Silver pineapple, we must go 700 paces eastward! Easy as Crumpets!” Then it dawned at me that my compass was in my fanny pack at home and my old heart dropped. When I informed Jamal, perhaps the strangest thing occurred.
“ I’ve heard of a compass before! I have that game on my phone! It’s really stupid though, cuz all you do is turn the phone and the arrow points...Mr. Malone do you have to go? Cuz your face is all twitchy.”
“We are saved! Long live the Queen!” So I snatched up the cellular telephone from Jamal’s hand,quickly handed it back and commanded him to bring up the compass ‘game”(it’s not my fault I don’t know how to work all of this modern-day technology nonsense). When he handed it back to me, I took one glance and pointed north.
“Onward Ho!”
Jamal, for some reason, could not stop laughing the entire way there, but I simply ignored him, as I did all poor people, and and trudged on. It seemed like forever, and Jamal kept messing up my counting, but we finally got there.
“...699, 700! Ah, here we are! Wait... this is a cave entrance.”
“I think we’re ‘spose to go in.” Oh, Jamal.
“I don’t know, cave exploration was never my cup of tea...” I told Jamal, wearily.
“ Aww, don’t be such a scaredypoo, monsters aren’t real. C’mon, let’s roll.”
As Jamal strolled nonchalantly into the cave, I had no choice but to follow.Just as I stepped foot into the cave, though, a scene from a horror movie happened. The ground started rumbling beneath me, so harshly, that I toppled over. I knew I my Life Alert necklace could no longer come to my assistance, so like a romance montage, I threw Bessie as far from danger as I possibly could--it hit Jamal.A vicious cult of albino chipmunks rose from the ground. I nearly wet myself.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Mr. Malone- Day 3
Oh, it was a tough journey, all right. A journey so tough that only a brave man, such as I, could have endured. A journey that was not pleasant, not pleasant at all. Yet, somehow Jamal and the creature had made it this far. But Jamal lived every day like this, or so he said, not to mention he carried Squitten in my golf bag for some reason. I just he didn’t get his hair or scales or whatever it was that was covering him on the bottom of the bag. The positive to this, though, was that I gained some quality time with Bessie.
“Only a little longer, my dear,” I whispered to her.”When we get home I’ll have Niles give you a hot wax and spring water bath. That should make you as good as new!”
“ Dude stop talking to yourself, “Jamal interrupted.” It’s the first sign of jungle madness and it’s already embarrassing enough to be seen with you like this”
Right. Because I’m embarrassing.
“ Oh don’t throw a wobbly. I know you’re not as chuffed as nuts to be here either.”
“Wha-” Just as Jamal was about to question my choice of British terms, it seemed that karma had finally kicked in, for something fell from the sky and knocked Jamal out cold. Sadly he awoke to me chuckling merely a minute after it happened.
“Ow, what was that?” He asked as if I should now, rubbing his head.
I simply answered “ At least there was nothing in there to get damaged”.
Before Jamal had a chance to deflect my clever answer, and having a brief conversation debating whether I had “Jungle Fever”, something swooped in and nearly knocked me out, too.
“ BLIMEY, WHAT WAS THAT?!”
“Oh, sorry, mon,” The thing I finally concluded was a bird said.” I was on my way delivering food to all the homeless birds in the forest when I dropped one of the packages.”
“ Hey! They did that in my neighborhood, too!” screamed Jamal.
Ignoring him, replied “ That is fine, my good...bird. He was full of beans, anyways. It’ll do him good to get some sense knocked into him.”
“Oh...” The bird said with a look of concern.” Well you two look a little lost. Not from around here, huh?”
“Oh, goodness, no! The one time I take public transportation I somehow get transported to this weird place in the middle of nowhere with this useless knob!” I exclaimed, gesturing to Jamal.
“Hey!” He whined, but I simply ignored him.
“Could you help me home?”
“And me!”
“And where was it you were from again?”
“ Well, I originate from Great Brittan, but moved here to pursue my dream to become the chief executive of Golf Monthly. Although, it would be nice if you could transport me to upstate New York for my golf tournament today.”
“Only a little longer, my dear,” I whispered to her.”When we get home I’ll have Niles give you a hot wax and spring water bath. That should make you as good as new!”
“ Dude stop talking to yourself, “Jamal interrupted.” It’s the first sign of jungle madness and it’s already embarrassing enough to be seen with you like this”
Right. Because I’m embarrassing.
“ Oh don’t throw a wobbly. I know you’re not as chuffed as nuts to be here either.”
“Wha-” Just as Jamal was about to question my choice of British terms, it seemed that karma had finally kicked in, for something fell from the sky and knocked Jamal out cold. Sadly he awoke to me chuckling merely a minute after it happened.
“Ow, what was that?” He asked as if I should now, rubbing his head.
I simply answered “ At least there was nothing in there to get damaged”.
Before Jamal had a chance to deflect my clever answer, and having a brief conversation debating whether I had “Jungle Fever”, something swooped in and nearly knocked me out, too.
“ BLIMEY, WHAT WAS THAT?!”
“Oh, sorry, mon,” The thing I finally concluded was a bird said.” I was on my way delivering food to all the homeless birds in the forest when I dropped one of the packages.”
“ Hey! They did that in my neighborhood, too!” screamed Jamal.
Ignoring him, replied “ That is fine, my good...bird. He was full of beans, anyways. It’ll do him good to get some sense knocked into him.”
“Oh...” The bird said with a look of concern.” Well you two look a little lost. Not from around here, huh?”
“Oh, goodness, no! The one time I take public transportation I somehow get transported to this weird place in the middle of nowhere with this useless knob!” I exclaimed, gesturing to Jamal.
“Hey!” He whined, but I simply ignored him.
“Could you help me home?”
“And me!”
“And where was it you were from again?”
“ Well, I originate from Great Brittan, but moved here to pursue my dream to become the chief executive of Golf Monthly. Although, it would be nice if you could transport me to upstate New York for my golf tournament today.”
Just then a smile creeped onto the toucan's face."What is this 'golf' that you mention?"
Jamal day 3
We are walking on this trail and this squitten thing must have like a problem cause I'm always stepping in like his poop and it is driving me crazy, I decided to keep our parks clean and stole Mr. Malone’s golf bag, put the squitten inside and carried him from there! I tried to teach the little booger to speak English but every time he would say lipstick instead of yes and potato instead of no so i decided to quit.
We were walking and I started rapping my favorite song and told Mr. Malone to join in.He rolled his eyes “then muttered something to his golf club”. I am really scared of this guy now. “Dude you gotta stop talking to yourself ‘cause you are all ready showing the side effects of jungle madness!” I was so annoyed by that Britt that I decided to scare him a little “So, Mr. Malone have you, at all been seeing strange things lately” I asked. He looked around and answered”Besides you?”
“ Oh no, Mr. Malone I am afraid, I am afraid you have Jungelosismadnises” I said with a fake look of fear in my eyes. I stepped away as though I was afraid of getting infected. He was petrified. So to keep the act up I would occasionally look back and whisper to the squitten and intently stare then run up way ahead. That poor man was terrified.
As we were walking this mega sized gold fruit loop and hit me on the head. I don’t really remembered what happened after that but, I remember that when I came to, I saw Mr. Malone and I saw this giant toucan that was talking like he was Tony the Tiger
I have to get back home ASAP.
When I had fully come to I had decided that I had gone insane and that I should just go along with whatever these hallucinations were saying. “ The golden fruit loop is the first collectible that you must collect to earn each of you a free ride on the mystical hot air balloon that will get you home!” said the toucan. “Yes, yes so do you have this mystical fruit loop item, dear sir?” asked Mr.Malone, “Yes I do sir but, you will have to do me a favor”.
Here we go again.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Mr. Malone- Day 2
After my near death choking experience, which Jamal (an interesting name) did nothing about but ask
"Dude, are you choking?", to which I answered "Choking is no laughing matter," we took off in search for civilization. I figured if we can get to the highest point of land we may be able to spot something. The trip there was not pleasant, not pleasant at all. My new sweater vest (a gift from mumsy) was soiled by dirt and sweat and I was blessed with another near-death experience when a bee landed on my flat cap (I have a deadly allergy). Not to mention my separation from William and Jude, my putter and driver, was weighing deeply on my heart. Jamal made me choose only one of my golf clubs to carry on because I was'nt in the state to carry all of them myself, yet Jamal refused to assist me. Isn’t that what he’s there for? But nothing could have been worse than when we reached the peak of the oddly colored mountain, where one of my worst nightmares came true. There were bugs. Everywhere. Like a doctor on my favorite Soap, I whipped out my inhaler and meditated. Then I had an epiphany. I had my emergency mosquito net poncho in my satchel!
“Ahh.” I said after putting it over my head and claiming victory over the insects. But with Jamal here I think we all knew that the peace would not last long, and apparently he had fallen in a hole. He could use a couple IQ points. He screamed for my help which I did, but not before sanitizing with my hand crème.
“Oh dearie, how did you manage to end up in a hole?” I remember asking the young feller. Then I realized he was covered in fire ants, so I had to extract my travel size bug spray and assist Jamal at ridding the ants. Suddenly, some sort of exotic creature popped out of the ground. He, too, was covered in ants, so I said
“Oh me, let me help you there, chum”
Well, apparently he was enjoying the infestation of fire ants on his body, because the moment the repellent left the jug, it leaped at and took a snap at my hand--my golf hand!
"Dude, are you choking?", to which I answered "Choking is no laughing matter," we took off in search for civilization. I figured if we can get to the highest point of land we may be able to spot something. The trip there was not pleasant, not pleasant at all. My new sweater vest (a gift from mumsy) was soiled by dirt and sweat and I was blessed with another near-death experience when a bee landed on my flat cap (I have a deadly allergy). Not to mention my separation from William and Jude, my putter and driver, was weighing deeply on my heart. Jamal made me choose only one of my golf clubs to carry on because I was'nt in the state to carry all of them myself, yet Jamal refused to assist me. Isn’t that what he’s there for? But nothing could have been worse than when we reached the peak of the oddly colored mountain, where one of my worst nightmares came true. There were bugs. Everywhere. Like a doctor on my favorite Soap, I whipped out my inhaler and meditated. Then I had an epiphany. I had my emergency mosquito net poncho in my satchel!
“Ahh.” I said after putting it over my head and claiming victory over the insects. But with Jamal here I think we all knew that the peace would not last long, and apparently he had fallen in a hole. He could use a couple IQ points. He screamed for my help which I did, but not before sanitizing with my hand crème.
“Oh dearie, how did you manage to end up in a hole?” I remember asking the young feller. Then I realized he was covered in fire ants, so I had to extract my travel size bug spray and assist Jamal at ridding the ants. Suddenly, some sort of exotic creature popped out of the ground. He, too, was covered in ants, so I said
“Oh me, let me help you there, chum”
Well, apparently he was enjoying the infestation of fire ants on his body, because the moment the repellent left the jug, it leaped at and took a snap at my hand--my golf hand!
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