Mr. Malone- Day 5

Oh how I wished I were back in the Queen’s Tea Parlor, sipping a chamomile tea, and sharing our opinions on the current state of Global Economy. But, no. Apparently I had done something wrong to deserve the punishment of spending my last few days with Jamal, facing a vicious cult of angry albino chipmunks. Well, I was strongly condsidering knocking myself out with a nearby rock so I wouldn’t have to suffer the last few moments of my life, but I knew I had to hold on for Bessie’s sake. While pondering whether to run or to hide, Jamal started to yell,
“Whoa! The bag! It’s-”
“Jamal. I know that my golf bag is made of the rarest leather found anywhere in the northern hemisphere! There is no need to waffle about it while we are surrounded by a clan of vicious cat... things.”
“SHUT UP! I MEAN IT’S STARTING TO SHAKE... AND EXPAND!”
“Oh sweet Heavens! That leather mustn't be stretched!”
Before I could save my trusty golf bag, it exploded. I felt the last full piece of it’s leather brush my cheek as it whipped by. Cheerio, mahogany colored beauty. Cheerio indeed. While mourning the loss of yet another of my most prized possessions, I had failed to notice that the creature Jamal had stuffed into my bag had burst out (I’ll get that rotten thing!) and had evolved into 5 times it’s normal size and was making a very unpleasant screeching noise. Ha! As if he’d ever find a mate! Soon the animal was lunging towards the chipmunks, snatching them up by the heads, and swallowing them whole (now where is the class in that?). Minutes later, Jamal, the Squitten and I were standing at the mouth of an empty cave.
“That.....was AWESOME! EPIC, EPIC, EPIC, EPIC!”
“Jamal! Do settle down, now! Are you off your trolley? Do you consider what we just saw ‘normal’?! Well, I for one think this ‘world’ we are in is ABSOLUTE TOSH and desire to get out as swiftly as possible! Stop acting like this is some sort of game! Because this is not the chess tournament at Buckingham- IT’S REAL!"
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Jamal’s tears started flowing like Niagra, and I knew that I’d penetrated to his soul. Never did I believe I would ever see Jamal cry, but I did. And I felt terrible. I put my old hand on this broken-hearted young thing and said,
“I’m truly sorry, Jamal. I’m not mad at you, it’s- I’ve just lost so much today-- first William and Jude, then my golf bag...I’m obviously just not cut out for this type of adventure and you were the only one I could vent to... and OH I’M SO SORRY JAMAL!”
And with that, I started bawling, too. Jamal wiped his nose on my sweater vest after hugging me and sniffled
“Do ya really mean all that?” After I nodded, he added “ Aw shucks, Mr. Jerome, I didn’t even know you had a heart!”
Not sensing my irritated posture, he squeeze-hugged me again. Pulling out of his sweaty grasp, I said
“Well, I think it’s time we chivvy along. I’ve still got my golf tournament at four and I plan on being prepared, polished, and prompt- my three P’s!”
Predicting that Jamal was about to burst out laughing, I sent him into the cave to fetch the silver pineapple. Complaining because he didn’t understand my phobia of caves, he reluctantly went into the cave, emerging less than five minutes later, holding a large, silver pineapple.
“That was quick,” I noted.
“ Well it’s a lot easier to complete a task without some old Scottish guy all up in your grill about everything”
I gritted my teeth. I was extremely offended that he called me Scottish. I was clearly British. But, wanting leave the whole crying episode behind us, I simply said
“Well let’s just keep our peckers up and we’ll be home in no time!”
“EXCUSE ME?!”
I sighed.”Stay positive.”
“Oh.”
And with one more glance at the map but not another word, we were on our way to find the final ingredient to getting home- the Bronze Cloud of Eternal Life.