Mr. Malone- Day 4

“So you see, just shift your wait, swing all the way through and there you have it!” I said, the most exited I’d been since we’d arrived at this crazy land that someone was interested in golf. I showed him my swing a few times and let him have a go. While he was swinging, Jamal pulled me aside and muttered perhaps the scariest thing I had ever heard, and not just because of the bad grammar.
“A’it, Mr. Shalome, time to do this ghetto style”
I stood there, stunned as Mr.Malone walked up behind Sam the Toucan mid-swing, easily pulled Bessie out of his hand-wings, and knocked Sam out cold. I ran over to Jamal as fast as my veteran chief executive legs could carry me, and took hold of my Bessie;
“BESSIE IS NOT A WEAPON! SHE HAS FEELINGS!”
“Do you want to get home, or not?”
“ All Sam wanted to do was learn to golf, something we should all learn.”
“Uh huh, let’s just go--hey! Look what fell out of this guy’s pocket-- the Golden Fruit Loop! And this paper thingy!”
:”That’s a map, genius. Hand it to me-- BUT CAREFULLY!” I said, as Jamal started folding it into a rather uneven paper airplane.”Alrighty it says here that to get to the Silver pineapple, we must go 700 paces eastward! Easy as Crumpets!” Then it dawned at me that my compass was in my fanny pack at home and my old heart dropped. When I informed Jamal, perhaps the strangest thing occurred.
“ I’ve heard of a compass before! I have that game on my phone! It’s really stupid though, cuz all you do is turn the phone and the arrow points...Mr. Malone do you have to go? Cuz your face is all twitchy.”
“We are saved! Long live the Queen!” So I snatched up the cellular telephone from Jamal’s hand,quickly handed it back and commanded him to bring up the compass ‘game”(it’s not my fault I don’t know how to work all of this modern-day technology nonsense). When he handed it back to me, I took one glance and pointed north.
“Onward Ho!”
Jamal, for some reason, could not stop laughing the entire way there, but I simply ignored him, as I did all poor people, and and trudged on. It seemed like forever, and Jamal kept messing up my counting, but we finally got there.
“...699, 700! Ah, here we are! Wait... this is a cave entrance.”
“I think we’re ‘spose to go in.” Oh, Jamal.
“I don’t know, cave exploration was never my cup of tea...” I told Jamal, wearily.
“ Aww, don’t be such a scaredypoo, monsters aren’t real. C’mon, let’s roll.”
As Jamal strolled nonchalantly into the cave, I had no choice but to follow.Just as I stepped foot into the cave, though, a scene from a horror movie happened. The ground started rumbling beneath me, so harshly, that I toppled over. I knew I my Life Alert necklace could no longer come to my assistance, so like a romance montage, I threw Bessie as far from danger as I possibly could--it hit Jamal.A vicious cult of albino chipmunks rose from the ground. I nearly wet myself.

Mr. Malone- Day 3

Oh, it was a tough journey, all right. A journey so tough that only a brave man, such as I, could have endured. A journey that was not pleasant, not pleasant at all. Yet, somehow Jamal and the creature had made it this far. But Jamal lived every day like this, or so he said, not to mention he carried Squitten in my golf bag for some reason. I just he didn’t get his hair or scales or whatever it was that was covering him on the bottom of the bag. The positive to this, though, was that I gained some quality time with Bessie.
“Only a little longer, my dear,” I whispered to her.”When we get home I’ll have Niles give you a hot wax and spring water bath. That should make you as good as new!”
“ Dude stop talking to yourself, “Jamal interrupted.” It’s the first sign of jungle madness and it’s already embarrassing enough to be seen with you like this”
Right. Because I’m embarrassing.
“ Oh don’t throw a wobbly. I know you’re not as chuffed as nuts to be here either.”
“Wha-” Just as Jamal was about to question my choice of British terms, it seemed that karma had finally kicked in, for something fell from the sky and knocked Jamal out cold. Sadly he awoke to me chuckling merely a minute after it happened.
“Ow, what was that?” He asked as if I should now, rubbing his head.
I simply answered “ At least there was nothing in there to get damaged”.
Before Jamal had a chance to deflect my clever answer, and having a brief conversation debating whether I had “Jungle Fever”, something swooped in and nearly knocked me out, too.
“ BLIMEY, WHAT WAS THAT?!”
“Oh, sorry, mon,” The thing I finally concluded was a bird said.” I was on my way delivering food to all the homeless birds in the forest when I dropped one of the packages.”
“ Hey! They did that in my neighborhood, too!” screamed Jamal.
Ignoring him, replied “ That is fine, my good...bird. He was full of beans, anyways. It’ll do him good to get some sense knocked into him.”
“Oh...” The bird said with a look of concern.” Well you two look a little lost. Not from around here, huh?”
“Oh, goodness, no! The one time I take public transportation I somehow get transported to this weird place in the middle of nowhere with this useless knob!” I exclaimed, gesturing to  Jamal.
“Hey!” He whined, but I simply ignored him.
“Could you help me home?”
“And me!”
“And where was it you were from again?”
“ Well, I originate from Great Brittan, but moved here to pursue my dream to become the chief executive of Golf Monthly. Although, it would be nice if you could transport me to upstate New York for my golf tournament today.”

 Just then a smile creeped onto the toucan's face."What is this 'golf' that you mention?"

Jamal day 3

We are walking on this trail and this squitten thing must have like a problem cause I'm always stepping in like his poop and it is driving me crazy, I decided to keep our parks clean and stole Mr. Malone’s golf bag, put the squitten inside and carried him from there! I tried to teach the little booger to speak English but every time he would say lipstick instead of yes and potato instead of no so i decided to quit.

We were walking and I started rapping my favorite song and told Mr. Malone to join in.He rolled his eyes “then muttered something to his golf club”. I am really scared of this guy now. “Dude you gotta stop talking to yourself ‘cause you are all ready showing the side effects of jungle madness!” I was so annoyed by that Britt that I decided to scare him a little “So, Mr. Malone have you, at all been seeing strange things lately” I asked. He looked around and answered”Besides you?”

“ Oh no, Mr. Malone I am afraid, I am afraid you have Jungelosismadnises” I said with a fake look of fear in my eyes. I stepped away as though I was afraid of getting infected. He was petrified. So to keep the act up I would occasionally look back and whisper to the squitten and intently stare then run up way ahead. That poor man was terrified.

As we were walking this mega sized gold fruit loop and hit me on the head. I don’t really remembered what happened after that but, I remember that when I came to, I saw Mr. Malone and I saw this giant toucan  that was talking like he was Tony the Tiger

I have to get back home ASAP.

When I had fully come to I had decided that I had gone insane and that I should just go along with whatever these hallucinations were saying. “ The golden fruit loop is the first collectible that you must collect to earn each of you a free ride on the mystical hot air balloon that will get you home!” said the toucan. “Yes, yes so do you have this mystical fruit loop item, dear sir?” asked Mr.Malone, “Yes I do sir but, you will have to do me a favor”.

Here we go again.  

Mr. Malone- Day 2

After my near death choking experience, which Jamal (an interesting name) did nothing about but ask
"Dude, are you choking?", to which I answered "Choking is no laughing matter," we took off in search for civilization. I figured if we can get to the highest point of land we may be able to spot something. The trip there was not pleasant, not pleasant at all. My new sweater vest (a gift from mumsy) was soiled by dirt and sweat and I was blessed with another near-death experience when a bee landed on my flat cap (I have a deadly allergy). Not to mention my separation from William and Jude, my putter and driver, was weighing deeply on my heart. Jamal made me choose only one of my golf clubs to carry on because I was'nt in the state to carry all of them myself, yet Jamal refused to assist me. Isn’t that what he’s there for? But nothing could have been worse than when we reached the peak of the oddly colored mountain, where one of my worst nightmares came true. There were bugs. Everywhere. Like a doctor on my favorite Soap, I whipped out my inhaler and meditated. Then I had an epiphany. I had my emergency mosquito net poncho in my satchel!
“Ahh.” I said after putting it over my head and claiming victory over the insects. But with Jamal here I think we all knew that the peace would not last long, and apparently he had fallen in a hole. He could use a couple IQ points. He screamed for my help which I did, but not before sanitizing with my hand crème.
“Oh dearie, how did you manage to end up in a hole?” I remember asking the young feller. Then I realized he was covered in fire ants, so I had to extract my travel size bug spray and assist Jamal at ridding the ants. Suddenly, some sort of exotic creature popped out of the ground. He, too, was covered in ants, so I said
“Oh me, let me help you there, chum”
Well, apparently he was enjoying the infestation of fire ants on his body, because the moment the repellent left the jug, it leaped at and took a snap at my hand--my golf hand!

Jamal Day 2

So it turns out that Mr. What's his face was just swallowing too much spit and he was choking on that. "Now sonny, we got find our way home so i suggest that we use my vast knowledge of the.....Oh My Great Bessie is that a speck of dirt on my freshly pressed sweater vest!!!" screamed Mr.Balone (I think that's his name). "Hmm dude that's just a bug...."  "AHHHHHHH a bug! I have a very dangerous allergy to bee stings.. GET IT OFF!"
Wow he is such a wimp I have no idea where we are but I gotta get home so I can go and get to my job ( yes I have a job, all i do is swing a sigh around for a tattoo shop)

Mr.Capone said that what we should get to the highest point and look out at the....wherever we are. In my entire life I have never seen a grown man cry and complain about dirt and bug's and sweat as much as this little prissy country club man, "OK! I am so sick of hearing about how much you miss Bessie, or how the sweat makes your face red, Just walk up the gosh darn hill or i'm gonna get my whoop on and this experience will not be pretty, so SHUSH!

I didn't hear anything else from that man the entire way up. 

When we got to the top of this mountain there were bugs and small furry things every where ( I don't think they were animals)  Mr.Sclone pulled out this humungous poncho bug repellant thing that he covered himself in and pulled a six gallon can or repellent (I am surprised he can carry that in his man purse). As I was walking over to the side of the side of the mountain... AH I just fell in this hole.. "Oh My Great Balls of Fire what is biting my leg..is..is that fire ants, Mr.Sir come Help, HELP ME!!!"  "OK I am coming first let me sanitize my hands you know those pesky germs can spread diseases like there's no tomorrow" he said casually "JUST COME HELP ME!!!" I screamed  "alright i'm finished!" He said with a smile on his face. He Pulled me out of the hole, screamed because all of the fire ants, then sprayed me with about a gallon of bug spray. " I feel like I have a shell" I said "it'll soak in faster than you can say Mr, Malone Has saved the day!"

After my traumatizing experience, Mr. Malone ( I now know his name) sprayed the terrible hole with the repellent and out popped the cutest little thing, it was like a kitten but it was a squid. I started yelling things at us but we couldn't understand any of it ( I think it said it wanted us off the mountain) but Mr. Malone tried to spray it but it bit Mr.Malone!!! His hand was so covered in blood I didn't see it, I think he bit it clean off!!

I asked the little fella, "Hey little guy, we need to get home do you think you could help us?"

It answered in a strange language then nodded yes.

Mr. Malone- Day 1

 Author's note: Read this in a British accent

I write this chronicle to inform you of the nonsense that went on the day I met Jamal. The feats that occurred upon the date I now curse may be hard to fathom, but I assure you, I shall tell no lie.
'Twas a typical day for an Britt-turned American living in the Forest Hill Gardens of Queens. When I awoke, I prepared for my prestigious golf tournament with my fellows from the country club. After a brunch, prepared by Mary, my maid, I walked out the door, clean shaven. On the way to the limo, I picked up my newly polished clubs from Niles, my butler.
"How is my dearest Bessie today? Has she got a good shine?"
"Yes, sir. I even used your favorite scent--freshly pressed Indonesian linen."
"A job well done, Niles"
"Thank you, sir"
O how Jubilant I get when I see a freshly polished Bessie. But alas, the good start to the morning would not remain. It turned out my limo had broken down. It seemed as though my only option was public transportation. I cringe at the sound. Gathering my belongings, I started the long walk to the subway in the downtown.
The walk there was not pleasant, not pleasant at all. Juvenile young things kept a' thumpin’ and a' bumpin’ me. I saw many hobos in the park, and many screaming young children. When I finally arrived, I got very lucky; I was the only one in my subway car. But then it seemed my luck had run out, because in walked the most juvenile of them all. Instead of avoid him, like I would have done before my "Poor people have feelings, too" seminar, I decided to take the friendly approach and make small chat.
“So, do you golf?"
He didn't respond, but it must have been because he smelled something repugnant, because he made a very peculiar face at that moment. So I started telling him about my clubs, and before I knew it, it had been half an hour. I could go on for days about my beloved Bessie. The man I was conversing with picked up something dirty from the floor, a book, probably of the "for dummies" collection. He started mumbling something, but I wasn't listening to the words, I was still astonished he could read. All of a sudden I heard a ruckus. Everything around me went dark. When things came back into reality, the other man in the subway car had stepped into bear dung. Typical. We were in a vast valley, nowhere near the golf tournament, and by the look on the other man's face, he didn't seem to know where we were either. So, the masculine man I am, I decided to take the leadership role and guide us to civilization. I looked towards the other man.
"Hey, do ya think this stuff’ll come off if I rub my foot on the tree?"
God help us all.

Jamal (ebekeniezer) Day 1

Jamal: Yo my name is Jamal, I live in eastern downtown on the south side (right by McDonald) so any way I really wanted to tell you how I got to Narnia, well I was on a bus riding to the north side and right next to me is the old gieser in a whack job golfing outfit blabbing away about his new clubs. Since there was no one else on the old subway train so i just nodded and ignored his words. All of a sudden I found this really old thing with pages and words in it ( a book you say? never heard of it) and I started reading this foreign language and all of a sudden we were flying and spinning and THUNK we landed somewhere who knows where and the old man (Mr. Malone I now know is his name) is screaming and yelling and freaking out. I casually get off the train and walk out. "what the heck, what did I just step in?" I proclaimed " Oh deary I think that was bear dung" Mr. Malone said, then laughing, then wheezing. "Dude are you,are you choking!?"..................................................................
                                                TO BE CONTINUED.....