Mr. Malone- Day 5

Oh how I wished I were back in the Queen’s Tea Parlor, sipping a chamomile tea, and sharing our opinions on the current state of Global Economy. But, no. Apparently I had done something wrong to deserve the punishment of spending my last few days with Jamal, facing a vicious cult of angry albino chipmunks. Well, I was strongly condsidering knocking myself out with a nearby rock so I wouldn’t have to suffer the last few moments of my life, but I knew I had to hold on for Bessie’s sake. While pondering whether to run or to hide, Jamal started to yell,
“Whoa! The bag! It’s-”
“Jamal. I know that my golf bag is made of the rarest leather found anywhere in the northern hemisphere! There is no need to waffle about it while we are surrounded by a clan of vicious cat... things.”
“SHUT UP! I MEAN IT’S STARTING TO SHAKE... AND EXPAND!”
“Oh sweet Heavens! That leather mustn't be stretched!”
Before I could save my trusty golf bag, it exploded. I felt the last full piece of it’s leather brush my cheek as it whipped by. Cheerio, mahogany colored beauty. Cheerio indeed. While mourning the loss of yet another of my most prized possessions, I had failed to notice that the creature Jamal had stuffed into my bag had burst out (I’ll get that rotten thing!) and had evolved into 5 times it’s normal size and was making a very unpleasant screeching noise. Ha! As if he’d ever find a mate! Soon the animal was lunging towards the chipmunks, snatching them up by the heads, and swallowing them whole (now where is the class in that?). Minutes later, Jamal, the Squitten and I were standing at the mouth of an empty cave.
“That.....was AWESOME! EPIC, EPIC, EPIC, EPIC!”
“Jamal! Do settle down, now! Are you off your trolley? Do you consider what we just saw ‘normal’?! Well, I for one think this ‘world’ we are in is ABSOLUTE TOSH and desire to get out as swiftly as possible! Stop acting like this is some sort of game! Because this is not the chess tournament at Buckingham- IT’S REAL!"
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Jamal’s tears started flowing like Niagra, and I knew that I’d penetrated to his soul. Never did I believe I would ever see Jamal cry, but I did. And I felt terrible. I put my old hand on this broken-hearted young thing and said,
“I’m truly sorry, Jamal. I’m not mad at you, it’s- I’ve just lost so much today-- first William and Jude, then my golf bag...I’m obviously just not cut out for this type of adventure and you were the only one I could vent to... and OH I’M SO SORRY JAMAL!”
And with that, I started bawling, too. Jamal wiped his nose on my sweater vest after hugging me and sniffled
“Do ya really mean all that?” After I nodded, he added “ Aw shucks, Mr. Jerome, I didn’t even know you had a heart!”
Not sensing my irritated posture, he squeeze-hugged me again. Pulling out of his sweaty grasp, I said
“Well, I think it’s time we chivvy along. I’ve still got my golf tournament at four and I plan on being prepared, polished, and prompt- my three P’s!”
Predicting that Jamal was about to burst out laughing, I sent him into the cave to fetch the silver pineapple. Complaining because he didn’t understand my phobia of caves, he reluctantly went into the cave, emerging less than five minutes later, holding a large, silver pineapple.
“That was quick,” I noted.
“ Well it’s a lot easier to complete a task without some old Scottish guy all up in your grill about everything”
I gritted my teeth. I was extremely offended that he called me Scottish. I was clearly British. But, wanting leave the whole crying episode behind us, I simply said
“Well let’s just keep our peckers up and we’ll be home in no time!”
“EXCUSE ME?!”
I sighed.”Stay positive.”
“Oh.”
And with one more glance at the map but not another word, we were on our way to find the final ingredient to getting home- the Bronze Cloud of Eternal Life.

Jamal day 4

I honestly, truly hate this place when we left off, the crazy toucan was having Mr.Malone teach him how to golf, one more thing to add to the list of reasons I hate this place. Anyway Mr.Malone has gained an overly expansive love, or more like an obsessive compulsive disorder over Bessie. Back to the story, after about a half an hour lesson on how to hold the club with your left hand I decided to take things into my own hands. “Its time to do this ghetto style” I yelled to Mr.Malone “No, No please, it there any other style you have a degree in that will be helpful at this time?” he asked “perhaps Newtons theory?”

“NO!” I yelled

Faster than light (almost) I grabbed the golf club and BANG!

that guy was out like a light! There was something shiny and round on the ground next to a piece of paper with words on it. I couldn’t tell what it was from here, but I knew the round thing was the fruit loop.”I found it” I yelled “no my dear, we found it” he said with the tone of accomplishment in his voice. “You are a waste of my time” I mumbled then walked away. I was headed towards the fruit loop then as I grabbed the ring an picked up the paper and tried to read it but Mr,Malone had to ruin my fun and read it him self “It says here that we need to take approximately 700 paces in the eastern direction... Easy as Crumpets” he belted out “you are a moron” I whispered to myself. “All we need now is a compass..... Aw phooey! We do not have a compass, now we will never get home!” he yelled “hey I have heard of a compass, it is an app on my phone, it really sucks though cause all you can do is turn the phone around and the red arrow spins” i said disappointed at the fact that I actually bought that app. He looked at me with the strangest  expression “Um. dude to you have to.. ya know go?” I asked “I am as happy as the queen on vase polishing week, this jolly good, we are saved thanks to your the application on your “telly” phone!”  he yelled, with the happiest smile. It almost seemed as though he was going to audition to be the Cheshire cat. He grabbed the phone and started to mess with it. When he finally found the app he yelled “Onward Ho!”

As we were walking we came across a weird cave and Mr.Malone asked “why did the counting stop?” you are a moron I think in my head “becasue that means that we have to go in the cave you...just...just please don’t talk to me PLEASE!” I yell.

I had decided that we were going to go into the cave and try and find that silver apple thing (honestly I don’t understand this place) “ I am not going to be going into that cave” said Mr. Malone hasitly. “Awww monsters aren’t real, here I will protect you” I said so sacrcastly that you would think I was serious. As I looked back into the dark cave I saw a cult of albino chipmunks rise out of the ground.

Oh My God